A Couple’s Guide to Reviewing and Reprioritizing Spending
Reviewing your spending regularly is a foundational step to building long-term wealth.
It’s hard enough to look at your spending on your own, and doing it as a couple can feel even more challenging.
Looking back at a full year of spending can stir up emotions. Stress, guilt, or frustration. And that’s doubled for a couple.
On top of that, for many couples, there’s an uneven level of knowledge or involvement. One partner may be more naturally organized, while the other feels overwhelmed by the details. It’s also common for tension to surface when one spouse feels responsible for most of the spending or when both partners have different instincts about what “reasonable” looks like.
All of that is a normal part of navigating life together with a partner.
The goal of a spending review isn’t to point fingers or assign blame; it’s to understand your financial life together and make intentional choices for the year ahead.
Affirming Each Other and the Goal
It is good to address the underlying emotional tension right off. This is a shared conversation, not a performance review.
You’re a team trying to build a life that reflects your values, hopes, and priorities.
Here are some great affirmations to say or read before discussing any numbers.
“We’re here as partners, not opponents. We’re not here to win or prove anything, we’re here to understand each other. We acknowledge that talking about money can be emotional, and we choose to approach each other with patience and understanding. We commit to listening fully, speaking kindly, and remembering that we are on the same team. Our goal today is to understand our spending, learn from the past year, and make decisions that support the life we want to build together.”
- “We’ll speak honestly without blaming each other.”
- “We’ll listen fully and try not to interrupt.”
- “We’ll ask questions when we’re confused instead of assuming.”
- “We’ll honor each other’s point of view, even if we see things differently.”
- “We’ll keep our tone calm and respectful.”
- “We’ll notice how we’re feeling and take a pause if things get tense.”
- “We’ll support each other rather than look for what went wrong.”
- “We’ll make room for feelings without judging or dismissing them.”
- “We’ll remind ourselves that we’re partners, not opponents.”
- “We’ll make decisions together, not alone.”
- “We’ll focus on what matters most, not on keeping score.”
- “We’ll acknowledge what went well this past year, not just what we want to fix.”
- “We’ll look for patterns that help us grow, not just habits we want to change.”
- “We’ll choose what aligns with our priorities instead of what feels urgent in the moment.”
- “We’ll end this talk knowing what steps we want to take next.”
- “We’ll remember that we both contribute to our life in real and meaningful ways.”
Reviewing the Past
Review Last 12 Months of Spending at High Level
A good place to start in the money side of the conversation is looking back at the last 12 months of spending from a 30,000 foot view. You want to see what level of spending you are doing at these high level categories:
- Housing
- Food (groceries + dining)
- Transportation
- Savings
- Kids / family
- Travel
- Giving / charitable support
- Health / wellness
- Personal spending
- Special Spending (home projects, purchase of recreation vehicles, etc)
Ask the following:
- “Where did the major portions of our spending go this year?”
- “Does this seem broadly aligned with what we value?”
- “Which categories seemed stable, and which shifted from prior years?”
What Felt Right
Now that you have the overall picture, focus on the good aspects of spending.
Ask the following:
- “What purchases or categories brought us joy, convenience, or peace this year?”
- “Where did it feel like we really invested in things that matter to us?”
- “What spending did we feel good about—even if it was a lot?”
What Felt Frustrating
This section isn’t about the unavoidable expenses, like when the car breaks down. It’s about the choices we made with our money over the year.
Ask the following:
- What spending felt wasteful, frustrating, or lower-value?”
- “Which expenses did we consistently resent paying?”
- “Are there categories that grew without us deciding they should?”
- “Did anything feel ‘default’—something we did out of habit rather than intention?”
Planning for the Future
Revisiting Your Goals
Coming back to your goals is a helpful way to stay centered and intentional. Life gets busy and it’s easy to drift, so take a moment to talk about the goals you’re aiming for in the near future and farther down the road.
Ask the following:
- “What are our big life goals and how do we get there?”
- “What are we excited about this coming year?”
- “Are there activities, experiences, or improvements we want to prioritize?”
- “Are there big events coming up (vacations, braces, a move, new baby, job transition)?”
Discuss Adjustments
⬇️Categories to Reduce or Reallocate
- “Which categories can we reasonably reduce without feeling deprived?”
- “Is there anything we can simplify, cancel, negotiate, or automate?”
- “What do we want to do with the money freed up?”
⬆️Categories to Increase Intentionally
- Which areas should we intentionally spend more on next year?”
- “Where do we want to experience more joy, rest, impact, or connection?”
- “Should we increase any long-term financial goals (saving, giving, debt payoff)?”
Ending on a Good Note
Finishing by sharing your main takeaways is a simple way to make sure you both understood each other and are leaving the conversation on the same page.
Ask the following:
- “What part of this conversation felt encouraging or hopeful to you?”
- “What do you appreciate about how we handle money together?”
- “Is there anything we should do differently next time?”
Additional Thoughts
How Often Should this Be Done?
Having a financial discussion on spending should happen regularly but how regularly depends on your financial situation.
In general, the tighter your finances, the more frequently you should talk. If you live paycheck to paycheck, you should be reviewing spending at least monthly.
But if you have a solid emergency fund in place, have a steady cash flow surplus each month, and are on track for your financial goals, every 3 months or 6 months is a good rhythm.
Regardless of your situation, an annual conversation looking back over the last 12 months and setting priorities for the next 12 months and beyond is a good habit to be in.
When One Spouse Isn’t Interested
It’s common for one partner to feel more engaged in financial discussions than the other. Sometimes it’s a matter of personality—one spouse naturally enjoys numbers while the other feels overwhelmed or bored by them. Other times it’s a confidence gap, where one partner quietly feels underprepared or fears being judged for not knowing enough. And in some cases, the less-interested spouse simply doesn’t see the immediate value of reviewing spending in detail.
Rather than interpreting disengagement as indifference or avoidance, a helpful approach is to connect the money to the what it means for the things they value and care about.
Ask the following:
- “What parts of our financial life matter most to you personally?”
- “Is there anything you feel unsure about that you’d prefer I walk through with you?”
In these instances, it’s best to keep the meetings shorter, and avoid showing big spreadsheets full of numbers.
Remember, lack of interest doesn’t mean a lack of care for the family.
When Couples Disagree on Big Things
Disagreement is normal, especially when the stakes feel high or when partners have different money backgrounds, tolerances, or priorities. Conflict over finances doesn’t mean the relationship is unhealthy; it means two people with different experiences are trying to build something together.
The goal isn’t to “win” or prove a point. The goal is to understand why the other person feels the way they do and to look for the shared ground underneath the disagreement.
When big disagreements arise over spending, ask the following:
- “Can you help me understand what this means to you or why it feels important?”
- “What concerns do you have about my perspective?”
- “Where do we share common ground, even if we see the details differently?”
- “If we stepped back and looked at our bigger goals, what would they suggest?”
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to fall into counter-productive mindsets of blame, defensiveness, and you-vs-them mentality. Try out these instead for a more productive resolution:
- Assume good intentions. Most financial tension is about fear, protection, or aspiration—not selfishness. When we approach others, especially our partner, assuming they have good intentions, difficult conversations become much easier and less hurtful.
- Seek clarity, not victory. Seek to understand the “why” behind a position often diffuses the tension. Your partner may have very good reasons you haven’t considered. It may take some time to get to the root of the matter too so be patient.
- Use time strategically. Big decisions do not always need to be resolved in the moment. Cooling off helps. Agree to put the conversation on hold and revisit it again.
- Prioritize shared goals first. Often the disagreement becomes easier once the couple remembers what they are working toward together. There are often common points that can be agreed upon. Reaffirm those.
- Consider compromise in phases. Big compromises don’t have to be all or nothing. Consider phases of compromise.